Your face is a jimmy john
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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