dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
