He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
