i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
