Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Boobs are out for the taking
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
