we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
