Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
