My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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