I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize