Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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