Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
