I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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