I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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