Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize