i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
