I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
