Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
