Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
