I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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