Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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