If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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