Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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