You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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