I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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