i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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