just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
