the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
