Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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