The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
