dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
