How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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