Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
