New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
