my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
