If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
