i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
