dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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