jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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