I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
