I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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