Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
