youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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