I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize