like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
