I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
you had me at cake vodka
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
