her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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