trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
