I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
