How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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