Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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