just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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