clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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