I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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