did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
