And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
