You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
