Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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