Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
