I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
